Chapter 1: Real Fear

(The scene is set a year after Maggie took charge of the new New York community. Dead City 3x08)

Bar

It is 11:00 PM, Maggie walks into the bar. Negan is in the back room playing one of his video games and doesn't notice her enter. It is very late for visitors, and he is completely immersed in the screen, the one thing that allows him to escape reality.

Maggie quietly makes her way toward the room, practically shuffling her feet as if she were one of the lifeless creatures from out there. Her face betrays sadness, but seeing that Negan is still the unpredictable "big kid" she has known for years brings her relief and a faint smile escapes her. No matter all the internal battles, she had to recognize, he is her comfort zone. With him, Maggie can be herself; he knows her strengths and vulnerabilities inside out, just as she knows his. These past few years together have taught them to trust one another.

Negan doesn't realize she is there until he sees an odd shadow on the TV screen; instinctively, he drops the controller, grabs Lucille, and stands up, ready to strike his stalker without hesitation.

"Shit, Margaret!"

"I'm sorry. You weren't in your apartment and this was the only other place I knew I could find you." Her voice doesn't sound like its usual self. Maggie is a strong woman who typically speaks with determination, but this time her voice is broken. Something inside her isn't right.

"We were having a little competition this afternoon," he says, gesturing to the messy room, "seeing who could beat me... and you should be proud, because your 'mini-me' almost wiped the floor with me. That kid learns fast." Maggie offers a faint smile upon seeing that Hershel, too, has moved past the resentment toward Negan—resentment she herself had instilled in him over the years.

Negan walks over to the bar and sets Lucille down on it; he glances at Maggie, who hasn't budged and remains staring at the floor, which is littered with popcorn.

"Is everything okay?" he asks. "I don't think you came here for the community champion to give you a *Gears of War 2* masterclass. Although, if you want, the controllers are still hot, and we could..."

"Luis kissed me" Maggie interrupts, turning to look at him and dropping the statement that makes Negan hold his breath for a few seconds.

Silence. Negan doesn't know why she’s telling him this, he doesn't really want to know. They hold each other's gaze. Finally, Negan decides to break the awkward silence.

"So, your little doctor finally decided to make a move..." Negan can't help but say it sarcastically, it’s his way of protecting himself, and she knows it.

"I don't get it," she continues. "Luis is a good person, he helps others, he's attentive, chivalrous, he gets along great with Hersel..." She hasn't been paying attention to Negan.

"Maggie, you’ve spent over a year chasing after him like a teenager and now you’ve got what you wanted. Why are you coming to tell me this? What am I now? Your best friend you come to with your little secrets?" Negan keeps up the sarcastic tone, though he sounds a bit hurt, as he pours himself a shot from one of the bottles left on the bar and downs it in one gulp.

"I didn't feel anything." Maggie’s voice cracks as she speaks the words, her gaze distant. "I felt absolutely nothing. I’d spent over a year imagining that moment. I knew it would come sooner or later, once he got over his wife's death, but..." She looks at Negan. "What if I can't feel anything for anyone ever again? What if I'm just as dead inside as all those people we keep in the methane tanks?" Her voice breaks again, and she lowers her head so he can't see her eyes welling up with tears.

"Maggie..." Negan steps closer, gently touching her chin to lift her face so he can see her misty green eyes, then places his hands on her arms. "You aren't dead. You’re more alive and you feel more than all those people you care for and protect in the community you’ve built." Maggie locks eyes with Negan. "Why did you decide to come tell me this, of all people? I’m the most calculating, cold, and unfeeling person left in this world." Negan gives a half-smile. Maggie knows him well enough to realize that changed a long time ago.

"What if you broke me so badly that I can't feel anything for anyone anymore? ... I don't know. I don't know why I came..."

Negan’s half-smile vanishes instantly; that comment perhaps hurt him more than it did her. He lets go of her arms, steps back, and spreads his arms wide.

"You don't feel anything for anyone and yet here you are..." he exclaims, raising his arms. "Maggie, it’s not the first time you’ve ended the day unloading your shit on me just to vent though, I have to admit, today’s caught me off guard," he says with a hint of bitterness. "But please, don't tell me you don't know why you're here. Why you always end up here or knocking on my apartment door. You know. You know perfectly well. But you're afraid to face it."

Maggie stares at him in disbelief as Negan turns around, walks over to one of the bar stools, and picks up a brown fabric jacket someone had left behind. He turns back, holds up the jacket, and asks Maggie:

"Do you recognize it?" Maggie recognizes it instantly.

 "It's Luis's. That's Luis's jacket."

Negan walks over to Maggie and hands her the jacket to hold.

"What do you feel?" Negan asks, his tone is serious and firm.

Maggie looks at the jacket, then looks at Negan in confusion.

"What do I feel? Nothing! It's just a damn jacket, for God's sake. What do you want me to feel?"

Maggie doesn't understand what's happening. It's just an ordinary absurd jacket. What is this all about?

Negan snatches the jacket from her hands and drops it back onto the nearest stool. Slowly, he picks up Lucille—which is still resting on the bar—and hands it to Maggie. She takes the bat. She remembers perfectly the first time she held that bat; it was to kill Negan—it was what her son wanted.

"What do you feel?" Negan looks at Maggie; her gaze is fixed on Lucille. "What... do you... feel?" he asks again, spacing out each word for emphasis.

For years, Maggie had been terrified of Lucille, her memories and nightmares were far from pleasant. Yet, she knew that *this* bat wasn't the real Lucille, not the infamous bat that had taken her husband's life so many years ago. That bat no longer existed, Negan himself had gotten rid of it to find closure for the moment that had tormented him for years.

This new bat meant something else. It was Negan’s counterpart, an extension of his body, his "work" tool. That bat had often protected the community, protected her, and even protected her son. That bat *was* Negan.

"Maggie?"

Negan breaks into her thoughts. She is still staring at the bat in her hands, her breathing having quickened without her realizing it.

Maggie looks at Negan, the sadness has vanished, replaced now by sheer fear in her eyes. She hands the bat back to him, as if it were burning her palms, and flees the bar without looking back.